changing

Actually I also dunno why I'm staying up so late now, at first had wanted to watch dota competition live but then I dun think they would be interesting as the finals later so I decided not to. So instead I went to read the facebook notes I posted last time, and I realised there is indeed a change in my personality as years go by.
Just by reading the way I express myself I can see the different tones in the writings.
This was written in 2009:
'anyways...JY FOR MUGGING + EOY. shall spend the rest of my time doing english AND doing chem ace for another friend...im so kind'Felt like the me during that time was one with a strong desire for ego boosts, very expressive online about what he likes and dislikes, and there's this obnoxious aura of pride in him.
This was written in 2011:
'My result is stupid -.-. Yes indeed someone who licks a stuffed animal under his bed needs some serious help. seriously.

btw jingyi: sry I only lick stuffed animals, not ppl. so no scandal this time :)'

I would say this sounded more like the me nowadays as compared to before, but then again I can still read a subtle note of lameness, which then again originated from a desire for ego boost.

This was written in 2012:

'By today most of the photos would have been uploaded onto facebook, with 110% unglamness and random video(s) that scar people for life lololol. Anyways, I guess as all things come to an end, it's time for a bit of thanksgiving as well. Reflection part can be stalked on my blog so I shall leave out those.'

Hmm.. not much change from 2011, that was probably the period when I stagnated in terms of personal improvement. Ah it sucks.

I feel that I'm constantly displeased with my current self in terms of personality, expressions, actions, way of thinking. And the biggest problem other than my unwillingness to change is that I don't know what I don't know. (that's seriously a problem because I won't know that I have a certain weakness until it got revealed through some incident, and even then I might not realise it)

Well let's just talk about a recent incident that happened to me that made me realise one problem I have, or had. I realised sometimes when a sudden event happened to me, I cannot treat it logically and always do things according to how my emotions dictate me.

So I applied for accommodations for my university, and I expected the weekly rent to be 129.5 pounds, but the offer that came to me was around 144 pounds. And because that day my com's wireless connection is screwing up (for the first time with no apparent reason whatsoever), I was very pissed off with everything. Then after telling my parents about the higher than expected rent, I made a wrong intuitive deduction that they were unhappy with that rent and so I brainlessly rejected the offer (when in fact I was given 1 week to decide) immediately. And so I was immediately shown a page that stated the uni might not offer me another accommodation after my rejection and so I started to panic. In the end still managed to get back the original offer lah, just that it costs more than planned.

My mind sort of brushed over that incident. I was surprised at myself for being SO emotional over that incident and acting so brainlessly, but I didn't look deep into the problem and forgot about its significance a few days later.

And then just a few days ago another incident popped up that really made me think about this problem. I was supposed to be having an outing with a friend of mine at school. I woke up late, went out later, and once again was in a panic while on the bus. I smsed him about how late I would be and underestimated my timing, and then when he told me I was even later I started to panic even more, until I made wrong intuitive deductions again about where we would meet. (He was in school but I thought we would meet elsewhere) And off course he's pissed off with this whole thing. Though what struck me was what he said, 'I'm not angry because you're late, though of course I'm also angry about that. But I'm angry because you are still the same fanyi I know before, letting your emotions get the better of you, not knowing the best course of actions.' Yeah that really struck me, because it's one of those 'I don't know what I don't know' problems. I was aware that I would be completely calm and logical when faced with another person's problem, so I naturally assumed I would behave the same way when I faced something on my own. But it seemed that I was not good at controlling my emotions and to ensure they didn't interfere with my thinking, after these incidents. And I knew what was my excuse for it: it's about interacting with people close to me, I don't want to screw things up. That made me AFRAID to do the 'most logical thing' because I'm unsure as to whether that is what they wanted. Though after this incident I'm more confident in dealing with sudden situations and not to be emotionally affected by them.

That's just one of the several weaknesses I realised about myself (with a lot of help from others), and perhaps one of the many different areas I'm working on. Because throughout this time, I always felt that I did not get what I wanted due to all these weaknesses of mine.

Anyways gotta sleep now, it would be an exciting day later hmm hmm. nitess