love?

If I dunno whether I like someone, does that mean I do not like that person?

The way I show my liking towards someone seems...twisted. It just like what a close friend said 'When you like someone you don't appear to be more caring, instead you appear to be more spas.'

Does that mean I don't really like that person? It makes me wonder. Especially when I can feel myself slowly losing my emotions or something. I mean, it is weird to have never cried since sec 3 right? It probably means that I'm not 'sad enough', but what if instead my sadness limit has being extended such that things which make ordinary people cry no longer affect me? It's dam tiring to have that heavy feeling at night, and yet unable to release them through tears.

Back to the feeling of love. Maybe what I experience is merely a crush. And yet I am unable to show that I am a caring person with my actions, my gestures, my tone?

Maybe I'm too scared to take that risk. I already had that 'it's impossible' floating in my head. I think too much, and then I fear for the worst. zzz I suck.

The bad arrangement of my points shows how noob my GP is o.o

sometimes

Sometimes I worry for people close to me, because I don't want them to suffer the feeling of possibly dying another time. On the other hand, you won't know if you will really die, or if it is going to be happily ever after right, unless you tried right?
But if trying and failing would mean dying, then I don't know how to deal with such an issue already.
I suppose the best I can do is to provide all the support I can, and let the rest work out by themselves.
jy.

sooth myself with fanboying

Because I was so disturbed by all the 心理变态问题 I found online that I decide this post shall be dedicated to fanboying. (so that I will not have nightmares today about stupid stuff like 牛吃草) ppl interested can ask me and I would ask you those questions and you would probably be sickened by the answers.
For those who were unaware, I am infatuated with touhou, also known by many as the 小妹妹变态game (which I shortened to xmmbtg)
And now my top 5 favourite characters are: yukari, yuyuko, flandre, yuuka and remilia.
yukari: old woman who pretends to be young and likes to sit around and let ppl do work for her.
yuyuko: thousand year old ghost who somehow looks like a loli who spent most of her time slacking, eating and teasing her gardener.
flandre: mentally unstable loli who can destroy anything.
yuuka: old woman who is god (because she is so powerful)
remilia: flandre's sister who is also a loli, but prefers sitting and letting her maid do her work.

And here is a self-drawn silhouette of flandre! flandre is so cute, and yet so dangerous, and is a loli. I somehow have a liking to deadly lolis.

lol

A futile attempt to ensure my blog does not die off just like that, so I shall post a random picture.

Love those funny scenes in Baka to Test to Shokanju where the girls get murderous. It is a nice anime, nice in the random and funny sense. If you want some shocking issues discussed then it's not for you :P

:/

Maybe it's because of all the failures I had for my tests and stuff. I'm emo, and yet I feel empty inside. It's not the emo where there is a buildup of sadness or anguish or whatever, it's more of the emo which makes you go 'why?'
I'm sorry to anyone who I have disappointed because of my lousy performance (academic or otherwise).
Insecurity is creeping back to me, must resist the temptation. Otherwise I would fall into darkness again. And darkness is painful.
I think I kind of like it when someone talks to me, especially if it's about personal stuff, even if it's emoing / bitching about life. It feels good to know that the person probably feels better after that.
Hopefully I feel better soon, all relationships need to be maintained and strengthened, but if I'm too insecure it would be really really bad for everyone.
One a side note, 'family' outing next monday :D hopefully my parents would allow, but dunno leh, maths lecture test on tuesday, econs lecture test on thursday.

jiayou

Tmr would be the first day of Fac Comm interview, while frantically rushing through my Fac Comm proposal, and mugging the names of the all the Fac Comm members, teachers and other trivia stuff such as the classes in Artemis, here's something for those running for Fac Comm:
JIAYOU EVERYONE. Even if some of us did not get in (such as myself as I would see), the experience of having an interview is still memorable. And wish you all the best in other commitments you want to go for.
.
At first I was having this panic attack with Fac Comm interview. But now I suppose it's better, since I already accepted the fact that I would probably not make it into Fac Comm cus my personality is not the very Fac Comm type of personality. Although it would be kind of nice to be in Fac Comm to organise events and force people to do unglam stuff (muahahah), but I suppose it's also ok to be not in Fac Comm, so I have more time to do other stuff (such as mugging for econs and maths which I seriously going to cmi already.) And also help the group with centad / smtp elective, since one is in council (stares at thamsy), one is going to be in Fac Comm (got alot of potential, stares at chingyee), so I already accepted the possible future that I would be the tanker.
Omg I'm like admitting defeat even before the interview wtf. <--- but it's true I sure dun have chance one!!
Ok I shall do my best for the interview, but since I already accepted defeat (being a pessimistic bitch), the result doesn't matter to me as much anymore. Hehe. JIAYOU CHINGYEE, OWN THE FAC COMM WITH UR INTERVIEW.

troll

This is the only place where I can be a not-so-nice fanyi and be an absolute bitch. So here goes ^^
First, I got 22/30 for my chem, which is very bad for my standard (ppl expect chem god to do well right). But then once again, I've never gotten full marks for chem before, which shows how tests pwn chem god, so yeah.
But interesting observation.
When I first checked my results, my ranking is 20, and my percentile is 88% (which means I actually pwned 88% of the cohort with my 'lousy' result)
Then yesterday I checked my result again, my ranking is 22 (oh no got pwned), and my percentile increased to 89%.
Just now checked it again. My ranking is 23, and my percentile increased to 91%.
Shows how badly the cohort did for chem lecture test.
Yes this chem lecture test is a bitch. You don't expect ppl to do so fast in such a short time. Although the 30 marks seem to be 'short and easy', but actually it requires a lot of thinking, and there's almost nowhere you can just regurgitate what's on the lecture notes onto the question, everywhere is on the spot do kind of question. And I wasted so much time doing the reaction equation for question 1 -.-
Anyways ppl jiayou for the next chem test. You would all see chem god fall from grace once again (and even more) after the next chem test, since the next test everything would be maths/physics. (gas laws, thermodynamics and probably chemical equilibrium anyone?)
.
Also, today's 黄城 was kind of okay. The last part was abit too cheesy. It's like it's so obvious the person who got crushed by the wall would not die, and the girl-collapse-cries-and-confesses scene together with the guy-struggles-to-speak-and-consoles-girl scene is dam cliched alr. And I don't really think a real life evil and manipulative 经纪人 would be so kind as to tear the contract and walk off.
But good job everyone! There are many parts which are really funny, and also serious. So yeah enjoyed myself.