It is when I start filling the profiling thing then I start to realise
1. How noob I was and am.
2. How not committed I was and am.
3. How lost I was and am.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Stab
I just got another random bruise wtf -.-
Anyways, these few days are for intense and intensive mugging. Shall reserve the whole of Thursday on mugging chemistry. Hopefully the my supposed 'tutees' are doing fine.
I remember last March holidays was rather life-changing for me, events happened and bonds were broken and reformed. While this holidays everything was just spent on mugging ... As of now I shall consider this as an unavoidable part of JC2 life, which gets worse as days go by and everyone starts preparing for the A levels.
Just realised that my chemo CD contains Clayden as well as Jerry. (*drools rainbow) Kind of late to start reading them again haiz.
.
I shall actually say something more than just randomness.
I'm starting to believe that everyone has a private square of some sort. They only differ in terms of how obvious this square is, and how the person treats people outside the square.
Treating people outside the private square can differ. I've seen people making everyone seem welcome, I've seen people ignoring people outside the square, I've seen people rejecting people outside the square. I probably belong somewhere along the 2nd and 3rd group. Don't get me wrong, I'm still open to people, but it seems very hard for any single person to make it into my private square now, as though the atom cannot allow for expanded octet if you put it in a way. There IS a difference between a normal friend and a close friend.
Thing is I put most of my time and effort on a small group of people. In return I put all my emotional attachment onto this group of people as well. Breaking any single of them is equated to breaking a part of myself. They are kept very strongly, and very selfishly, and very selflessly.
.
Oh and just recently one of my tutors talked a bit of outside the lesson stories. It's some information that throughout the tutor's teaching career in HC, there's been quite a number of cases where an alumnus (I assume anyone who already graduated is considered as an alumnus?) took their life for seemingly no reason. It's disturbing if not thought-provoking, to imagine someone appearing to live life normally, and suddenly jumped down or something, and people around him or her would be wondering why for the rest of their lives. Apart from showing how delicate human life is, it also kind of says how unobservant people are, or maybe or dis/mistrusting these people who took their lives were.
I don't really see a point in suicide, because usually problems can be solved. The only logical reason (which seems illogical), is that there's nothing else in life that the person can find attachment to. Probably that's the only reason good enough for one to take his or her own life. Imagine if you have no one or nothing to live for, and you can't find a reason to live for yourself, life would seem, dead. That's the only reason that would drive a normal person to suicide perhaps.
Well the 'good' thing is, I would never do anything as stupid. I love life too much to lose it for whatever reason or lack of reason there is. I love all my possessions, I love all the people whom I know. I love my family and friends. I love my attachments. As long as they remain with me, I will not leave. Which also explains why I fear death. (But I suppose as you grow older you start to 看得开 since you have less and less attachments available)
.
Ah well, forgive me for my abrupt ending. Going to sleep and wake up to mug later. Nites people :)
Anyways, these few days are for intense and intensive mugging. Shall reserve the whole of Thursday on mugging chemistry. Hopefully the my supposed 'tutees' are doing fine.
I remember last March holidays was rather life-changing for me, events happened and bonds were broken and reformed. While this holidays everything was just spent on mugging ... As of now I shall consider this as an unavoidable part of JC2 life, which gets worse as days go by and everyone starts preparing for the A levels.
Just realised that my chemo CD contains Clayden as well as Jerry. (*drools rainbow) Kind of late to start reading them again haiz.
.
I shall actually say something more than just randomness.
I'm starting to believe that everyone has a private square of some sort. They only differ in terms of how obvious this square is, and how the person treats people outside the square.
Treating people outside the private square can differ. I've seen people making everyone seem welcome, I've seen people ignoring people outside the square, I've seen people rejecting people outside the square. I probably belong somewhere along the 2nd and 3rd group. Don't get me wrong, I'm still open to people, but it seems very hard for any single person to make it into my private square now, as though the atom cannot allow for expanded octet if you put it in a way. There IS a difference between a normal friend and a close friend.
Thing is I put most of my time and effort on a small group of people. In return I put all my emotional attachment onto this group of people as well. Breaking any single of them is equated to breaking a part of myself. They are kept very strongly, and very selfishly, and very selflessly.
.
Oh and just recently one of my tutors talked a bit of outside the lesson stories. It's some information that throughout the tutor's teaching career in HC, there's been quite a number of cases where an alumnus (I assume anyone who already graduated is considered as an alumnus?) took their life for seemingly no reason. It's disturbing if not thought-provoking, to imagine someone appearing to live life normally, and suddenly jumped down or something, and people around him or her would be wondering why for the rest of their lives. Apart from showing how delicate human life is, it also kind of says how unobservant people are, or maybe or dis/mistrusting these people who took their lives were.
I don't really see a point in suicide, because usually problems can be solved. The only logical reason (which seems illogical), is that there's nothing else in life that the person can find attachment to. Probably that's the only reason good enough for one to take his or her own life. Imagine if you have no one or nothing to live for, and you can't find a reason to live for yourself, life would seem, dead. That's the only reason that would drive a normal person to suicide perhaps.
Well the 'good' thing is, I would never do anything as stupid. I love life too much to lose it for whatever reason or lack of reason there is. I love all my possessions, I love all the people whom I know. I love my family and friends. I love my attachments. As long as they remain with me, I will not leave. Which also explains why I fear death. (But I suppose as you grow older you start to 看得开 since you have less and less attachments available)
.
Ah well, forgive me for my abrupt ending. Going to sleep and wake up to mug later. Nites people :)
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Life of a Poison Dart Frog
I spent around 15 minutes fantasising what it would be like to live a life of a poison dart frog.
In case you're wondering, I'm talking about the golden poison frog, Phyllobates terribilis, which has the ability to secrete a variety of neurotoxins, one of which is batrachotoxin, the most deadly non-protein neurotoxin ever known (with enough secreted by one frog to kill two adult elephants). But that's only for information, I digress.
Anyways, the interesting thing about golden poison frog is that they are rather social creatures living in groups of 10 to 15 and like to interact with each other, since the only creatures that won't die from their mere touch are themselves. So I was actually wrong about not being able to hug people, assuming we are the same species o.o
Life as a golden poison frog would be quite interesting. I start off by living in a super humid place (which I probably enjoy), hop everywhere to find food and look at stuff, as well as flaunt my warning colour to anything that comes near me and (occasionally) kill things by being touched by them. All I need to watch out for is random natives that cook me alive to make poison darts. Other than that poison dart frog is probably one of the few animals that doesn't have to fear natural predators, because that's almost non-existent. (Apart from a type of snake that is tolerant to the toxin)
Yeah I guess such a life is not bad. And the type of scenario inside a rain forest is not bad also, good to live in.
.
.
Anyways back from fantasising, these few days are obviously meant for mugging for blocks. Despite the fact that it's not counted it is still important for me to know how well I can perform. Which is why I'm actually going to mug chemistry this time to see how well I can do. (as well as to tell other people that I'm not as noob as they think, I'm just lazy)
Talking about chemistry, gc is probably the student who's best at organic chem as of now. Which means even if I do mug organic chem I can't reach the same standard as him. So while trying to approach his status of godliness I shall do 'product differentiation' by maintaining my edge at inorg chem. hoho
In case you're wondering, I'm talking about the golden poison frog, Phyllobates terribilis, which has the ability to secrete a variety of neurotoxins, one of which is batrachotoxin, the most deadly non-protein neurotoxin ever known (with enough secreted by one frog to kill two adult elephants). But that's only for information, I digress.
Anyways, the interesting thing about golden poison frog is that they are rather social creatures living in groups of 10 to 15 and like to interact with each other, since the only creatures that won't die from their mere touch are themselves. So I was actually wrong about not being able to hug people, assuming we are the same species o.o
Life as a golden poison frog would be quite interesting. I start off by living in a super humid place (which I probably enjoy), hop everywhere to find food and look at stuff, as well as flaunt my warning colour to anything that comes near me and (occasionally) kill things by being touched by them. All I need to watch out for is random natives that cook me alive to make poison darts. Other than that poison dart frog is probably one of the few animals that doesn't have to fear natural predators, because that's almost non-existent. (Apart from a type of snake that is tolerant to the toxin)
Yeah I guess such a life is not bad. And the type of scenario inside a rain forest is not bad also, good to live in.
.
.
Anyways back from fantasising, these few days are obviously meant for mugging for blocks. Despite the fact that it's not counted it is still important for me to know how well I can perform. Which is why I'm actually going to mug chemistry this time to see how well I can do. (as well as to tell other people that I'm not as noob as they think, I'm just lazy)
Talking about chemistry, gc is probably the student who's best at organic chem as of now. Which means even if I do mug organic chem I can't reach the same standard as him. So while trying to approach his status of godliness I shall do 'product differentiation' by maintaining my edge at inorg chem. hoho
Friday, March 9, 2012
GP
Today marks the first block test of the year aka GP!
I think I did my essay better than usual and compo worse than usual, so the score should balance out o.o
I think I did my essay better than usual and compo worse than usual, so the score should balance out o.o
Sunday, March 4, 2012
It's March
I just sort of realised that it's already March.
That equates to 'start going into A level mugging mode if you want to get a scholarship'.
Despite not knowing what kind of scholarship to apply for, my current belief is that as long as they see your godlike grades at A levels they would offer it / them to you.
The thing is I can't be as lax as an average student in school, or even an average student in SMTP. Reason being I'm not a Singaporean, and I'm not a PRC under scholarship, so I have to work harder than both in order to have a better university life.
Hence,
1. Start preparing for A levels.
2. Make JSS the only CIP I would be going for.
3. If there's still time, continue with the tuition (and hope that it's useful).
4. Private square.
I had love to have way more time this year, but seems like that's not the case. Haiz.
That equates to 'start going into A level mugging mode if you want to get a scholarship'.
Despite not knowing what kind of scholarship to apply for, my current belief is that as long as they see your godlike grades at A levels they would offer it / them to you.
The thing is I can't be as lax as an average student in school, or even an average student in SMTP. Reason being I'm not a Singaporean, and I'm not a PRC under scholarship, so I have to work harder than both in order to have a better university life.
Hence,
1. Start preparing for A levels.
2. Make JSS the only CIP I would be going for.
3. If there's still time, continue with the tuition (and hope that it's useful).
4. Private square.
I had love to have way more time this year, but seems like that's not the case. Haiz.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Why I think I am a lousy friend
I think I wrote some similar things about this in short sentences in my diary. I guess it is time to write a bit of it and post it online.
What happened today was, my mom took out my ang baos and decided to save all the money into my bank account. And so when she started counting, she realised that 5 ang baos were empty. (looks at Valentine's Day)
Was reprimanded for my free-style spending. She sort of reached the conclusion that my friends are more or less superficial.
Untrue. I know how they are to me and how I am to them.
But she just asked this question: How many people gave you something for Valentines.
I did not count.
And then she continued to ask about how many birthday presents I have received last year.
oh no.
And yet why did I spend so much on gifts? On treating people?
That made me a lousy friend. I am unable to convince others that I'm actually good friends with many people. People do not see a tangible form of reciprocation, then they question the existence of such a thing.
Maybe because I tend to overwhelm people. But I want to be treated like a friend, not a probable servant. I hope that people know that I'm NOT an anything-also-can-anything-also-give person.
There is one major thing that affects how I think, and there is one major thing that affects how I work.
One is called doubt, the other is called guilt.
Sleep in insecurity then.
What happened today was, my mom took out my ang baos and decided to save all the money into my bank account. And so when she started counting, she realised that 5 ang baos were empty. (looks at Valentine's Day)
Was reprimanded for my free-style spending. She sort of reached the conclusion that my friends are more or less superficial.
Untrue. I know how they are to me and how I am to them.
But she just asked this question: How many people gave you something for Valentines.
I did not count.
And then she continued to ask about how many birthday presents I have received last year.
oh no.
And yet why did I spend so much on gifts? On treating people?
That made me a lousy friend. I am unable to convince others that I'm actually good friends with many people. People do not see a tangible form of reciprocation, then they question the existence of such a thing.
Maybe because I tend to overwhelm people. But I want to be treated like a friend, not a probable servant. I hope that people know that I'm NOT an anything-also-can-anything-also-give person.
There is one major thing that affects how I think, and there is one major thing that affects how I work.
One is called doubt, the other is called guilt.
Sleep in insecurity then.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Recollection
Despite we all seeing each other everyday, I missed quite a number of you. Most likely it because we've never talked about all kinds of things for quite a long time. Talking makes me feel closer to you.
I'm still afraid of losing. I'm still having an idealistic view about my life.
Hence, I still kept the private square.
I'm still afraid of losing. I'm still having an idealistic view about my life.
Hence, I still kept the private square.
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