UCL Camp

Was away for UCL fresher's camp for 2 days. Had a lot of games and team bonding events throughout, and met with many new people. (Actually all are new because I don't know any of them)
But I feel like I'm lacking motivation to talk more about it.
Esther would be flying off soon. She's already doing her countdown which is going to approach single digits soon.
And with this I feel like my remaining time in Singapore is slowly leaking away as well. Everyone having their events and new commitments and busy studying schedules, it becomes quite hard to go out with people.
The UCL seniors talked about how hard it was to maintain connection with friends in Singapore while in London, that to them it feels as though they lived in different worlds after a while, and that you would definitely not be as close to your friends in Singapore as expected. All this talk makes me feel increasingly depressed about flying off.
I remember I asked you whether you would forget about me when I'm overseas, and you said you don't know. Well I suppose at least you gave me an honest answer. But your answer does make me more determined to maintain connections while overseas, which I believe I would carry out. So I said if one day you forgot about me, I would make you remember.

Would be flying off to London in a few weeks. Now I'm just doing what I usually do during a school-less day, trying to maximise my time and yet get to slack.
Local unis have started school already, so it's getting harder to meet up with people now that they have more commitments to take care of. Especially year 1 where you get to run for various positions without interfering much with your studies. So good luck to domi and huimin for your respective election/interview :)
Visa application later. If they rejected me again I would just, uh, kill things.

U.S.

Xinyi would be leaving for US later. All the best for uni, and see you soon :)

oh my.

changing

Actually I also dunno why I'm staying up so late now, at first had wanted to watch dota competition live but then I dun think they would be interesting as the finals later so I decided not to. So instead I went to read the facebook notes I posted last time, and I realised there is indeed a change in my personality as years go by.
Just by reading the way I express myself I can see the different tones in the writings.
This was written in 2009:
'anyways...JY FOR MUGGING + EOY. shall spend the rest of my time doing english AND doing chem ace for another friend...im so kind'Felt like the me during that time was one with a strong desire for ego boosts, very expressive online about what he likes and dislikes, and there's this obnoxious aura of pride in him.
This was written in 2011:
'My result is stupid -.-. Yes indeed someone who licks a stuffed animal under his bed needs some serious help. seriously.

btw jingyi: sry I only lick stuffed animals, not ppl. so no scandal this time :)'

I would say this sounded more like the me nowadays as compared to before, but then again I can still read a subtle note of lameness, which then again originated from a desire for ego boost.

This was written in 2012:

'By today most of the photos would have been uploaded onto facebook, with 110% unglamness and random video(s) that scar people for life lololol. Anyways, I guess as all things come to an end, it's time for a bit of thanksgiving as well. Reflection part can be stalked on my blog so I shall leave out those.'

Hmm.. not much change from 2011, that was probably the period when I stagnated in terms of personal improvement. Ah it sucks.

I feel that I'm constantly displeased with my current self in terms of personality, expressions, actions, way of thinking. And the biggest problem other than my unwillingness to change is that I don't know what I don't know. (that's seriously a problem because I won't know that I have a certain weakness until it got revealed through some incident, and even then I might not realise it)

Well let's just talk about a recent incident that happened to me that made me realise one problem I have, or had. I realised sometimes when a sudden event happened to me, I cannot treat it logically and always do things according to how my emotions dictate me.

So I applied for accommodations for my university, and I expected the weekly rent to be 129.5 pounds, but the offer that came to me was around 144 pounds. And because that day my com's wireless connection is screwing up (for the first time with no apparent reason whatsoever), I was very pissed off with everything. Then after telling my parents about the higher than expected rent, I made a wrong intuitive deduction that they were unhappy with that rent and so I brainlessly rejected the offer (when in fact I was given 1 week to decide) immediately. And so I was immediately shown a page that stated the uni might not offer me another accommodation after my rejection and so I started to panic. In the end still managed to get back the original offer lah, just that it costs more than planned.

My mind sort of brushed over that incident. I was surprised at myself for being SO emotional over that incident and acting so brainlessly, but I didn't look deep into the problem and forgot about its significance a few days later.

And then just a few days ago another incident popped up that really made me think about this problem. I was supposed to be having an outing with a friend of mine at school. I woke up late, went out later, and once again was in a panic while on the bus. I smsed him about how late I would be and underestimated my timing, and then when he told me I was even later I started to panic even more, until I made wrong intuitive deductions again about where we would meet. (He was in school but I thought we would meet elsewhere) And off course he's pissed off with this whole thing. Though what struck me was what he said, 'I'm not angry because you're late, though of course I'm also angry about that. But I'm angry because you are still the same fanyi I know before, letting your emotions get the better of you, not knowing the best course of actions.' Yeah that really struck me, because it's one of those 'I don't know what I don't know' problems. I was aware that I would be completely calm and logical when faced with another person's problem, so I naturally assumed I would behave the same way when I faced something on my own. But it seemed that I was not good at controlling my emotions and to ensure they didn't interfere with my thinking, after these incidents. And I knew what was my excuse for it: it's about interacting with people close to me, I don't want to screw things up. That made me AFRAID to do the 'most logical thing' because I'm unsure as to whether that is what they wanted. Though after this incident I'm more confident in dealing with sudden situations and not to be emotionally affected by them.

That's just one of the several weaknesses I realised about myself (with a lot of help from others), and perhaps one of the many different areas I'm working on. Because throughout this time, I always felt that I did not get what I wanted due to all these weaknesses of mine.

Anyways gotta sleep now, it would be an exciting day later hmm hmm. nitess

Sherlock

This is essentially what Sherlock is about:
http://ihaveanarmarda.tumblr.com/post/51317344677/no-no-sexual-tension-at-all

Why do I feel such emotional turmoil?

Support

I feel a greater and greater need for an emotional support nowadays. It's as though everyone is getting tired of me, and then I get more and more easily, stressed-up?
After my Visa application got rejected for the second time I felt this panic that lasted for more than an hour. Not good at all, why do I care so much about this Visa that I have to panic for so long? Everything that I didn't care about would only result in a 5 minute panic. Maybe I'm starting to care about more things, or maybe just my defences are weakening.
All the while there is this poking feeling that whenever I go out I would bleed my wallet dry. And my mom is not helping at all by saying stupid stuff about comparing my friends based on how much material life they provided me and why I have to spend so much on birthday gifts. (Why is it always about birthday gifts -.-)