Poetry is always equated to emotional outburst for me

When the world ends, I would sit alone.
Delightfully lonely, happily ignoring
The fact that I knew, the treacherous void
of emptiness, despair, insecurity, desire
That writhes and screams, echoing through my soul.
But I would smile, and weep, holding the hands of my best friends
The melancholic ghosts of the past, and the idealistic forms of the mind,
An imaginary world that sucks reality dry.
Until one by one, arms extend into that unbreakable bubble,
Pulling and embracing
me out of my dreams
The warmth of your body, and the tingle of your voice.
To you, and maybe you all: I could destroy my own world, just to be there
Quietly sitting beside your shadow, laughing or smiling, like I always would.

- Fanyi, 1.20 am, 30/5/12.
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I probably got this kind of emotional outburst after reading 'The opposite of loneliness'.
HARDCORE ORG SYN MUGGING RAWRRRRRR.

Who am I?

Based on the 9 types personality test, I'm the kind of person who is very aware of myself. Hence even if I hide things from other people, I can't hide it from myself, and I am clear why I do certain things and why I don't do certain things.
And so based on my own consciousness (and assuming that my subconscious did not try to hide away anything yet), I am very sure that I give in too easily to other people's opinion of me. I am very conscious about how I appear to be before other people, and hence I take in whatever kind of comments they have about me. Some told me to be true to myself, some told me to man up, some told me to be nice to people. I changed myself according to what other people want from me, and what I think other people want from me.
Am I really true to others, no exactly. From every comment, I took what I think is important, and adjusted it so that I still feel comfortable with myself.
That's why I can be high, I can be bitch, I can be nonsensical, I can be serious. But who I truly am? It's a very complicated question.
I believe that I'm quieter than I appear to be.
I believe that I'm shyer than I appear to be.
I believe that I'm nicer than I appear to be. (there has been a decrease in level of niceness)
I believe that I'm more emotional, and more emotionless, than I appear to be.
I believe that I care more and care less than I appear to be.
But perhaps most people won't be able to see such a side of me. They only see the mask that I chose to wear, the personality that is altered based on my own perception of how other people want from me.
Who can see beneath the mask? Some. Either I took it off for them, or they took it off for me.

Sad?

Someone commented that I always look sad nowadays. Hmmm so strange I'm not really sad imo, maybe just aloof. Not that I'm not happy to have company, maybe I express it less through facial expressions now. I still feel irrationally happy, nervous, shy, except most of them is masked by a sense of nonchalance.
It is actually good being a spectator ion, it's like watching various species react then u trolololol while other people facepalm or punch spectator ions in an attempt to make it more logical ._.
^ I think really very trolololol leh.

Emotional Taboo - 情感禁忌

This post is for people who are reading my novel (no time to update la and that region of plot is weirdly vague and tangled ie. they don't appear in my world at all)
There is something known as product differentiation, which means in order to be able to compete with the rest of the people to not lose out, you make yourself unique in one way or another. I would believe that everyone is rather unique (well maybe fundamentally similar but how they bring about themselves are all different), and hence there is already a form of product differentiation among them. But well I would see my social circle as having a variety but tends towards the 'nice' side, or at least what I believe it is.
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ANYWAYS, I'm supposed to dedicate this to readers of my novel lol.
Let's assume that the final step to Shiro's 'product differentiation' is called the perfection of his 情感禁术, which allows him to completely separate all these spells from the 'forbidden art' series.
What happens is this: most of the most powerful spells are automatically classified under 'forbidden art'. In order to cast one properly, one has to declare the usage of such a spell, which is usually by saying 禁术 before the name of the spell. (ie. one has to announce that he is going to cast a forbidden art to his opponent) If one did not follow such a rule, the penalty will be both a dramatically reduced effect of the spell used, as well as a large life energy damage to the user.
The obvious first flaw for such a rule is that the opponent will be given some time to think of a way to retaliate or defend himself from this forbidden art. The second flaw is that by being classified under 'forbidden art', those who first came up with this rule will be able to abuse it in such ways as to give themselves the advantage. (starez at the Shinigamis)
Hence, what Shiro first did was to come up with a series of spells that draw power from emotions, which he called the Emotional Forbidden Arts, 情感禁术. The last step of this differentiation was to separate them from forbidden arts altogether, so that he is no longer bound by the rule of forbidden arts when he uses these spells. Thus, his spells will belong to his own classification called the Emotional Taboo. 情感禁忌. From there, he is his own monopolist, and he sets the rules for his own spells.
The second part of the above chunk was a sort of retaliation for a certain group of organisms (starez at the Shinigami) for trying to (and successfully) kill him in an attempt to stop his influence, by coming up with his own series of spells which currently have no effective ways of countering.
You just read major spoilers. :P

drift or boundary between dream and reality

I was imagining what would happen after A lvls, when everyone went off for NS, when people get separated, maybe for a long time, maybe for life.
I would write emails probably. Unless it went into spam mails.
But I wonder how long the email would last, cus usually the flame would decrease in intensity over time especially when there's not sufficient fuel to keep it burning.
Moving on, I realised the reason for recent detachment from the real world in general: I managed to create a world of my own, where I can just sink back into and completely forget about everything else. Whenever there's problems that I face, I can just disappear into that world and all the problems are ignored.
As compared to zen people I am very unzen. Actually if I sink back into my world it would seem like I'm zenning, except my mind is not there o.o But nuuuu I don't want to destroy my world yet >.<
Ehehehe world destruction sounds nice, it's like destroying a room to create a new one. That sounds like room 13.

你不说？

Obvious. 和‘你不说’常常放在一起。
就是每当一个人说了什么十分明显的话时，就能以‘你不说’来回应。一方面说明别人说的话很明显不用说，一方面是嘲笑对方那么明显的话干什么说出来？
不过想了想后，觉得有些东西就算是‘你不说’但还是得说的。想想看，其实现实生活中几乎所有的对话只要个人理解能力比较强的话都是‘你不说’的。不过我们明明知道很明显的话，还是会说出来，原因在于这是一种保持人与人沟通的一种方法。就算是知道对方想说什么，说出来比较能够让对方知道你理解他所说的话，比静静地不出声，最后来一句‘你不说’要好得多吧。
此外，不是所有的‘你不说’都是‘你不说’的。对一个人来说可能十分的明显，对另一个人来说可能就感觉不到。
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“今天我心情不好。”
“你不说？你的心情我当然能感觉到了。”
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但是他的心情每个人都能感觉到吗？
对他来说，能够感觉到他的心情的人是一种幸福，因为在不沟通的情况下就能够来一句“你打起精神来啊。”
所以我觉得，在没有与一些人达到这个境界时，把明显的话说出来，暂且可以更好的交流。
所以‘你不说’往往是我的口头禅，也往往是别人用在我身上的一句话。