the art of slacking

It is not surprising that I'm slacking off as usual.
Well, I'm giving myself the excuse that since blocks just ended, I should reward myself for my efforts put into mugging for blocks, and hence, slack. In the mean time I'm carelessly shrugging that high-density figure looming over me aka EOM. Well I sort of started, except I'm way too lazy to try to do it properly.
It is not good to know that (you know, knowing that) I have been very slack ever since the start of the year. It is one thing to not notice it by shrugging it off, it is another to be so slack that even I myself can notice how slack I am already.
And of course I did not put in my full effort in mugging for blocks, ESPECIALLY for bio. It is even possible that I can fail bio blocks. I won't be surprised that I will, seeing how badly my MCQ section was already.
But while carelessly slacking away, I purposefully dropped myself a bomb: I slacked off too much for chem also. It is a good thing, seriously. Because seeing how I sold half of my soul to chem, if I managed to really B this blocks, it might finally be a final warning for me to study hard, and study properly. Especially when I made so many careless mistakes already, seriously how in the world did I think that that stupid sulfur atom accepted the two electrons when its obvious its the two oxygen atoms wtf. And wtf I WROTE HYDROGEN BOND THEN I DREW DATIVE BOND. If the chem blocks can't knock some sense into me, nothing will.
This ends the section about everyday ranting.
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The following part is not really nice to see, it might spoil your image of me, actually I don't even know what is your image of me.
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Moving on to other stuff, I kind of sense that sometimes I can't differentiate friendship from love. For those people who know about me, you should know that this is especially bad.
Within me, there are spirits fighting. One claims that I don't know what is friend, and what is love, and what is crush. I just mix the three up together, and treat the three in the same way. He even claims that I only do what I do, because I'm afraid of losing them, I am not showing who I truly am, because I fear rejection.
The other claims that I don't even know what is love or crush. To me there is no boundary between love and crush, because I do not experience them in the first place. I don't know how to fall in love, I only know what is lust. I only see lust, that's all.
A third tiny voice says that I know what it feels like, and I want to be in love. But it is so hard, it is so hard and I keep failing, it is so hard that I don't dare to try anymore, I only wants to dream and fantasize. And yet I am so greedy, so greedy, I want to cross the boundary, I am so greedy.
The fourth voice soothes the others by saying that it is not easy to fall in love in the first place, it is always possible as long as I try hard enough.
Maybe I should just split myself into parts, and lock some of those away. Or maybe just kill them. Yeah, I should just kill part of myself, just like that. chop chop slash. And then the insecurity will be away, I will live happier. omg I sound like some mentally demented person -.-
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Ok, back to EOM. I doubt I would do any work actually.